The Monday morning blues?...It's Wednesday evening!!!!

I am definitely using writing as a catharsis just now. And a distraction plus focus rolled in one. These days if I am not doing something I am completely focused on I find myself wandering around the apartment, with laundry piling up, cleaning chores not doing themselves, pressing matters not taken care of and, dammit, food not cooking itself! How I wish I could lose myself in any one of those tasks. Of course, also wish I was a better writer so that it might be worth it…oh well.

Over the past few months I have also found it difficult to settle into my usual evening/weekend pastimes. There has been a sense of anticipation that made it almost impossible to sit still enough to paint, read or play the piano. It had seemed worth it, a little hiatus, a vacation if you will, whilst I waited for something more important to play out.

How I wish I could settle down to them now. I will have to re-read whole chapters just to remind myself exactly where Robert the Bruce was when I last left him. I will have to have every door and window shut tight when I finally sit down at the piano, only to spare the neighbours the sound of my rusty mistakes. My paintings in progress are covered in a fine layer of dust and I barely remember what I was doing with them.

“So! Just get on with it!” I hear you say.
Good news is that I actually managed to get one load of laundry in the washer…whites….yay! Edited to add: AND in and out of the dryer!
But I simply can’t focus on any of it. The Bruce was, last I remember, having a raging, blatant affair with Christina of the Isles whilst his wife languishes under English guard, but I know I had gotten beyond that and FFS I don’t want to have to go back to that part again. I have WAY too many romantic songs in my pathetic repertoire, which sound merely melancholic right now, even when plunked out so poorly (or maybe that is why?) And I feel too inadequate even to pick up my brushes to paint something for Lucas’s birthday…never mind finish the painting that is Danielle’s wedding gift.

I hate what has happened.

I went round to Bruce’s for a shot of ‘reality’ and felt not SO bad…but home again and yeah, still no answers. Can’t even bother combing the rat tails out of my hair following my shower…feel lucky I even managed a shower!

Maybe there’s someone out there who wants a smelly, dread-locked and disillusioned woman? Never know, might get lucky with that. I’ll keep you posted.