Period of reflection

I lost my best friend, the love of my life.
I can't quite wrap my mind around it, what happened.
I can't quite figure out that great "WHY"
Just *POOF* one day to another and it was ALL gone.

No goodbye.
No fare thee well.
Nothing.

My creative processes have been limited to the one we shared, photography. And even then, every time I look at my photos I know which he would like, which he would ask about, which he would suggestively critique....and I don't want to look at them any longer because I want that conversation, I want his input, I want his praise. Just as much as I long to see his own photographs and to admire them.

I cannot seem to pick up a paintbrush or 'pen' and write.
It is so limiting as I am accustomed to writing down everything, somewhere...or releasing emotion in colour onto a canvas.

I am beginning to learn to cope, I guess. I am not unhappy, that would be too unatural a state for me, but I am not my *self*. There is an oily coating of sadness that sticks to everything. I am a bit lost, as if my compass has vanished. And empty, as if a part of my heart, my soul, had gone AWOL. I miss too much. I could never have imagined a life without his laugh. And my own laugh has not been the same since...maybe never will.

I am in the midst of plans to leave my beloved Bermuda and return to the proverbial bosom of my family in Scotland...the only cure for love, or the loss of it, is love.
I am hoping that somehow, somewhere, someway, I will find *me* again.....the part that he took with him.
Unfortunately my period of reflection still only shows me what could have been...I guess I am not ready to contemplate what *is*...and even more unable to envision what could be, a future devoid of him. But there is always hope and so I keep ploding forward and smile as much as I can stand to do.

Bless you my Beloved. You brought me so much joy and often seemed not to know that. You lit up my life even while you were in darkness. And I loved you more than you could ever have known. I pray for you, Monkey, every day...and every breath I take holds love for you. <3