Sunday 3 April 2011

Transition

Life is full of transition and change...some things are easy, some more difficult.
During this past year or so I feel like I have been through the wringer. Change, change, change on every front....some of it feels as if it has been foisted upon me, some I have sought...none of it has been easy or without pain of some sort or another.
It is time to STOP resisting and go with the flow.
From now on I will not push against the barriers....rather, I will glide on the wing. I will surf the wave. I will breathe, seek happiness in every moment, and just be.

Thursday 29 July 2010

Memories, old and new....

On my recent trip home to Scotland my brother and I went on a few road trips...he wanted a companion on the drive to the ski areas and I wanted to see and hike the countryside...perfect!
On the first of these we drove to Glencoe......

Each time, off Jonny would go to ski the good stuff at the top of the mountain leaving me to explore the lower mountainside.

I loved just hiking my way up to wherever we had decided to meet up....usually some half-point which included food and beverage!! Camera in hand I was totally happy.
On the Glencoe trip I reached the little 'chalet' early and, having had a hot chocolate and a bridie, I decided to head up the ski trail a little to video Jonny as he skied down. I found a small outcrop of rock with no snow and thought this might be a place to sit and wait.

Despite the cold air and surrounding snow, I myself was feeling warm from the hike and the sun was shining...yes, in Scotland! I felt the mossy-looking rock before sitting down on it, expecting it to be either damp or sun-warmed but it was cool and dry. I sat and looked around me. So this was Glencoe, and this was the Highlands.

It reminded me of our summer vacations to Scotland when I was younger. We had driven into the Highlands many times but we really just seemed to drive...stopping to eat lunch, stopping at an outlook to take a picture, and stopping at the next B&B. Almost as if driving was the destination for my parents! And it possibly was. It's entirely possible that simply to get four kids and themselves into a car and 'going' somewhere was enough.
Don't get me wrong, the drives were fun enough. My Dad is good, fun company and I loved how fast he drove compared to the 20mph speed limit in Bermuda.
And Mum always tried to make the journeys exciting. We never did go to Loch Ness but passed plenty of other lochs, and on passing one such Mum announced that we were passing Loch Ness and ought to be on the lookout for Nessie. Being the oldest I was in on these little diversions (unfortunately!) and we would drive around the loch with Mum, Dad and me saying "There!", "No, look over there!" and "Wait! I see something...I saw Nessie THERE!" The boys would be jumping around the back seat trying to get a better view and desperate for a glimpse of the Monster!
Those drives through that wild and beautiful countryside were pure magic. Winding roads with small streams coming down the mountain on one side, right over the road and down further still to the loch below on the other side. It always amazed me how these streams widened and flattened enough for us to simply drive right through!
We would stop occasionally at the odd touristy look out spot but we never explored, never hiked or climbed, and as it was summer we didn't ski, toboggan or sled. Which, since these were foreign activities to a bunch of island kids, we never missed. But looking back it seems a shame and certainly must have been severely frustrating to the as-yet-unleashed-extreme-wintersportsman in my brother Jonathan!!
And so, here we were, I'd accompanied Jonny on a ski day to Glencoe and we were finally doing the things we'd never dreamt we'd love doing all those years ago.
Jonny was way at the top of the mountain skiing to his heart's content. And I, a little hiked-out for the moment, resting on a bracken covered rock surveying the beauty of the Scottish Highlands.
It really was a beautiful sun-shiney day and I was feeling warm in my layers. Large patches of snow surrounded me and, while I reminded myself to thank Jonny for thinking to give me his spare ski poles for the climb (and thank goodness, they were very necessary a number of times!) I used one pole to poke at the closest patch of icy snow, fully expecting it to melt in the sun. And yet it didn't. As much as I poked and broke it up it clung to it's sparkling crystalline form as if to say "NO! I will NOT be reduced to mere water!!"

Monday 26 July 2010

New theme song?

So a friend of mine in Texas recently sent me a link to this song, saying that everytime it comes on the radio he just keeps seeing and thinking of me!
I had never heard this song before and it is a bit Bonnie and Clyde but I do love it and find myself dancing around my kitchen, singing along....for the 1 trillion times I've listened to it since! Lol!
I find it fascinating when friends share this stuff with me! Like, why would he think of me? Who knows...but I'm glad he did...my cardio workout has just got a boost!

Friday 9 July 2010

Period of reflection

I lost my best friend, the love of my life.
I can't quite wrap my mind around it, what happened.
I can't quite figure out that great "WHY"
Just *POOF* one day to another and it was ALL gone.

No goodbye.
No fare thee well.
Nothing.

My creative processes have been limited to the one we shared, photography. And even then, every time I look at my photos I know which he would like, which he would ask about, which he would suggestively critique....and I don't want to look at them any longer because I want that conversation, I want his input, I want his praise. Just as much as I long to see his own photographs and to admire them.

I cannot seem to pick up a paintbrush or 'pen' and write.
It is so limiting as I am accustomed to writing down everything, somewhere...or releasing emotion in colour onto a canvas.

I am beginning to learn to cope, I guess. I am not unhappy, that would be too unatural a state for me, but I am not my *self*. There is an oily coating of sadness that sticks to everything. I am a bit lost, as if my compass has vanished. And empty, as if a part of my heart, my soul, had gone AWOL. I miss too much. I could never have imagined a life without his laugh. And my own laugh has not been the same since...maybe never will.

I am in the midst of plans to leave my beloved Bermuda and return to the proverbial bosom of my family in Scotland...the only cure for love, or the loss of it, is love.
I am hoping that somehow, somewhere, someway, I will find *me* again.....the part that he took with him.
Unfortunately my period of reflection still only shows me what could have been...I guess I am not ready to contemplate what *is*...and even more unable to envision what could be, a future devoid of him. But there is always hope and so I keep ploding forward and smile as much as I can stand to do.

Bless you my Beloved. You brought me so much joy and often seemed not to know that. You lit up my life even while you were in darkness. And I loved you more than you could ever have known. I pray for you, Monkey, every day...and every breath I take holds love for you. <3

Thursday 10 June 2010

Betty White on SNL

She is just BRILLIANT!!!!

Tuesday 8 June 2010

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on; or you will be taught how to fly." ~Patrick Overton

Sunday 6 June 2010

Life is Wonderful

The journal my Dad wrote for me, and gave me before I returned from Scotland in April, has been such a blessing. I can't even imagine how I would know these things if I hadn't asked him to write them down. I know things I could never have thought to ask about, or that he would have never have thought to tell me. My Dad was SHY. Huh?? I would have never have guessed that...but the strange thing is that I am shy...VERY. And nobody guesses that either. Wonder where I get that from?!

I will add excerpts from the journal as he lived in an interesting time under interesting circumstances but, having read the journal through I was struck by his closing note, written on the back pages. It reminded me that life cannot be lived with regrets. And I have set the record straight with him, that I, amongst everyone that I know, am the most openly loved and supported 'daughter' that I know. I will never, ever, forget that. Or this....here are his closing words.....

Well Steph,
Finished at last. It has been a few years in the penning but I hope you enjoy reading the contents. I'm only sorry that this journal is going back to Bermuda with you and you are going with it.
Writing has led me many times to think about life in general and one aspect in particular. Regret.
My big regret in life regardless of the reasons, has been that I have never spent enough time with you or your brothers, to be near you all and try to be some help in your paths through life.
For yourself - to see you grow into such a beautiful, self assured, confident and self-supporting woman with precious little help from your Dad fills me with so much pride and not just me, but your Mother too.
I'm sure you know, but it is always worth repeating that you are always in our thoughts at home. You are loved so very dearly Steph.
To see you again after such a while has been such a joy and I sincerely hope I will be around the next time. I couldn't bear to wait too long to see you again.
Look after yourself my precious daughter, keep in touch as I know you will, keep in good health and God bless you always.
Your ever loving,
Dad xxoo